The Cleveland Browns aka Duke "The Dumpster" Droese

I have to be perfectly honest here, I originally intended on comparing the Browns to Barry Hardy but I could not find any pictures of Barry Hardy online so I guess I’ll settle for the next best thing. Duke “The Dumpster” Droese was a wrestling garbage man. I don’t have much to say about “The Dumpster” other than the fact that he stunk. I supposes it’s possible that he literally stunk but in fairness to him, I don’t know that this to be true.

The Browns stink too. They’re going with the “Trent Dilfer option” at quarterback which generally means they’re waving the white flag from the get go. The running game should be very competitive with Lee Suggs, William Green and the newly acquired Rueben Droughns. The Browns are about to find out what it means to trade for a Denver running back. Detroit and Washington are the charter members of the fraternity and Cleveland is a new pledge. Suggs is the best of the bunch and would contribute meaningful numbers if the Browns would just name him the starter. The offensive line is actually decent so the Browns could have something going there. Braylon Edwards is an athletic freak who will immediately bring respectability to the Browns. Dennis Northcutt is a capable receiver as well. The Browns are in the process of finding out why Antonio Bryant couldn’t get on the field in Dallas. I’m starting to think that the Browns are often the last people to find out about things. They broke the “don’t trade for a Denver running back” rule, they traded for malcontent Bryant, and they mortgaged the future of the franchise by drafting Kellen Winslow III. Cleveland needs to get in the loop.

Romeo Crenell was a great coach for the Patriots. He’s a defensive guy who should make the Browns respectable in time. By “in time” I mean by 2014. The Browns defense features a grand total of five guys that I’ve heard of. I follow every team in the NFL. If I’ve only heard of five guys on your defense, you have major issues. In fact, I’m not even going to go over the positions on D. They’re all going to be bad. Just to drive the point home, the Browns scored 48 points against Cincy last year and still lost by ten.

The schedule could feature the Bears for 16 games and it would still be tough for the Browns. Unfortunately, it’s much more difficult than that. They have to play Pittsburgh and Baltimore two times a piece. That’s zero wins. They get Cincy twice which should also be zero wins. They matchup up against the NFC North which is not good news. They’ll lose to Minnesota, Green Bay, Detroit and could beat Chicago but they probably won’t. The other games are against Indianapolis, Houston, Tennessee, Miami, Jacksonville and Oakland. Indy is a guaranteed loss. They might be able to beat Miami but that’s a big if. They won’t beat Jax or Oakland. I can’t see McNair losing to this team. Houston is liable to beat or lose to anyone so it’s possible they could beat Houston. I don’t see more than two victories here and it would take two upsets for that to happen. I hate to say it but this could be a historically bad season.

Predicted record: 1-15

The San Francisco 49er's aka Jim Powers

The most vivid memory I have of Jim Powers is when he got annihilated by The Big Boss Man on Saturday Night’s Main Event. Jim Powers was the jobber of jobbers. Even when he teamed with Paul Roma to form The Young Stallions, he was on a jobber tag team. Even Duane Gill got more limelight than Jim Powers which says a lot.

The 49ers are in dire straights. They won’t be winning anytime soon. I thought Alex Smith was amazing in college. He was unstoppable running and passing. He’s a smart quarterback with a bright future. However, with Brandon Lloyd, Rashaun Woods, and Johnnie Morton as his wide receivers, Smith is in for a rude awakening. Two years ago, Kevin Barlow seemed like one of the top young running backs in the league. I’ve read on multiple occasions that rookie Frank Gore will be splitting time with Barlow. The offensive line should be better this year with Dave Baas playing center and Kwame Harris moving to right tackle. So to summarize, the 49er’s have a rookie quarterback, a below average group of wide receivers and a starting running back who might not be good enough to fend off a rookie running back. That’s not good.

The defense might be worse off than the offense. Julian Peterson is sweet. I remember when Andre Carter was drafted and he was supposed to be a serious pass rushing threat. He did have 12.5 sacks in 2002 but that’s about all he’s done. Mike "I like big" Rumph and Ahmed Plummer are decent cornerbacks. I really don’t have much else to say about the 49er’s defense. They’re going to give up a lot of points.

If it weren’t for the Arizona Cardinals, the 49er’s would’ve gone 0-16 last season. The 49er’s twice beat the Cardinals 31-28. Since San Francisco will be worse than every team on the schedule regardless of who’s on it, the schedule is inherently difficult. It’s awfully difficult to go 1-15 in the NFL so I’m going to stay away from that prediction. The Niners and Browns might combine for three wins. These two teams are very bad.

Predicted record: 2-14

The San Diego Chargers aka Mr. Perfect

Mr. Perfect’s arrival in the WWF was a big deal. I remember the vignettes they used to run with athletes from different sports attesting to how perfect Mr. Perfect was. They brought in Wade Boggs to play baseball. They did this with quite a few sports. They made Bobby “The Brain” Heenan his manager which meant Mr. Perfect would quickly became involved in storylines with the top stars such as Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior. He won the intercontinental championship and proved to be one of the better technical wrestler’s in the WWF. However, he never reached main event status. He never won the WWF championship. He peaked in his two years and never achieved the same success again. He had a long career as a high profile wrestler but most fans (including me) choose to remember his early WWF days.

The 2004 Chargers were essentially the same as Mr. Perfect’s initial push in the WWF. They were a solid team (Mr. Perfect), coached by a respected coach (like “The Brain”) that played a part in the NFL playoffs (early WWF success). The Chargers were solid on offense and defense. Drew Bees bounced back from a Ryan Leaf-esque performance in 2003 to become one of the top passers in the NFL. The Chargers are playing with fire by contemplating having Phillp Rivers as the starting qb. That would be a mistake of monumental proportions. The Chargers brought in Keenan McCardell midway through the season which gave SD a legitimate passing threat. Reche Caldwell got hurt early but he’s a rising star in the NFL. Antonio Gates had the most improbable season in recent NFL history by dominating opposing defenses. He had 13 touchdowns and almost 1,000 yards from the tight end position. LaDanian Tomlinson is the premier running back in the NFL along with Shuan Alexander. Tomlinson is a workhorse with an uncanny ability to catch passes out of the backfield which gives the Chargers the luxury of playing either a ball control game or wide open game.

The defense was already decent before the Chargers added two first round defensive players in the draft. Igor Olshansky is a one-man run stopper on the defensive line. Jamal Williams weighs 350 pounds which might make him the first player in NFL history to enter a game via a golf cart. First round pick Luis Castillo might be the first and only person in Northwestern history to test positive for steroids which amazingly enough adds more credibility to their football program. The linebackers are fairly deep with Donnie Edwards, Randall Godfrey and first round pick Shawn Merriman. Quentin Jammer leads an above average corner back unit that includes Jamar Fletcher and “The Candy Man” Sammie Davis.

The Chargers had the “Perfect” combination of offense and defense last season. They outscored their opponents by a whopping eight points per game. They were among the top teams in the NFL in both categories. However, I don’t see the Chargers improving. I think they’ll be pretty much the exact same team they were last season. They’ll beat the crappy teams and they’ll lose to the better teams. I’m not sure what’s missing but I’m pretty sure that something is.

Being in the AFC West automatically guarantees a difficult schedule although getting matched up with the NFC East makes things a little more manageable. They play Denver (2), KC (2) and Oakland (2). I wouldn’t be surprised if they split with all three teams. They play Philly, Dallas, Washington and the NY Giants. That should be good for three wins. The Chargers don’t get any breaks by playing Indy, Pitts, New England, and the NY Jets. That’ll be 2-2 at the best and most likely 1-3. The remaining games are against Miami and Buffalo which really should be two victories.

Predicted record: 9-7

The Cincinnati Bengals aka Rick "The Model" Martel

Rick “The Model” Martel used to come down to the ring with a sweater rapped around his neck and a bottle of spray called “Arrogance”. His arrogance far outweighed his wrestling ability. He had success under a previous gimmick with Tito Santana (Strike Force) but as “The Model” he was all talk.

The Bengals have been a team on the rise for quite some time. They finished 8-8 in each of the last two seasons which isn’t anything to write home about but for the Bengals it’s reason to be jubilant. Chad Johnson has a fever and the only prescription is to guarantee more victory. Johnson thinks so highly of himself that he sent care packages of Pepto-Bismal to the Cleveland Browns secondary to calm their fears of playing against him. The fact of the matter is that the Bengals are mediocre. They have a very good head coach but they’re far from a dangerous team.

Carson Palmer grew a lot last year. His receiving corps is very deep with Johnson, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, and Kelley Washington. Palmer should be better this year but I don’t think he’ll be a super star-caliber quarterback for another year or two. Rudi Johnson is a dependable running back and Chris Perry will likely get more carries. The Bengals have a big offensive line led by Willie Anderson and Levi Jones. Despite having a talented offense and putting up 58 against the Browns, they scored 17 or less points in seven games last season. The offense needs to be more consistent. As a warning, don’t waste your time with Chad Johnson in fantasy football. Palmer spreads the ball around to all four receivers. You’re better off picking up somebody else. Trust me on this.

The Bengals have major issues on defense. First round pick David Pollack will add some speed off the end but that certainly doesn’t make up for the lack of talent on the defense. Justin Smith gets the “Mike Mamula” award for being the player who made the most out of a pre-draft workout without actually being good. Remember how awesome he was supposed to be coming out of Missouri? Shouldn't that have been a warning sign that he played college football at Missouri? Deltha O’Neal is a decent corner but it’s important to remember that the Broncos were desperately looking to upgrade their secondary when they had O’Neal on the team. If the Broncos don’t like you, then something is wrong. Meanwhile, I had to do a double take when I saw former Michigan CB Brandon Williams on an NFL roster. I don’t now how this happened but this is proof that there’s hope for all of us.

The Bengals have some flair but they’re an immature team with a bad defense. That’s generally not a good combination. The schedule is favorable in the fact that they get two guaranteed victories over Cleveland. However, it also means playing Baltimore and Pittsburgh twice each. They might get one win out of that group which means 3-3 in the division is possible. They matchup against the NFC North which means tough games against Minnestoa, GB, and Detroit with Chicago as a possible win. I would say 2-2 is a good possibility there. Houston, Jax, and Tennessee provides three winnable games which should yield two wins. That leaves Indy, Buffalo, and KC. They won’t beat Indy or KC. Buffalo is a possibility.

Predicted record: 8-8 again

The Detroit Lions aka "The Blue Blazer"

If the body of "The Blue Blazer" looks a little familiar, it's probably because it's actually Owen Hart with a mask on. As "The Blue Blazer", Owen Hart was a weak gimmick that didn't really go anywhere. As himself, Owen Hart became one of the more respected wrestlers in the business and won multiple championship belts. The Lions really could go either way. This could be the year the Lions take off the mask and reveal their true identity or they could keep on being The Blue Blazer. As I'm sure most of you know, Owen Hart died prematurely after falling from the rafters at the Kemper Arena in Kansas City. If the Lions do manage to make the "leap" to Owen Hart status, we can only hope that their success doesn't end as abruptly and as badly as Hart's.

I think this season will represent the "taking off of the mask". What I mean is that the Lions will show some life this season. They'll beat some teams they aren't supposed to beat and prove that they're a legitimate franchise. It's almost impossible for a team that's never played together to jump out of the gates as one unit. Charles Rogers has played one game in two years. Rogers and Roy Williams have not played a full game together. Neither has M. Williams and R. Williams or M. Williams and Charles Rogers. This is a completely different team from last season. C. Rogers is still a rookie in terms of playing experience. Harrington hasn't had anything close to a good season yet. The linebackers haven't had a chance to play as a unit. I just have a hard time believing that this team can pick up from day one as a playoff team. There will be highs and lows but in the end, I think this will be a successful season. Next year is finally the year.

However, there a many things to be excited about. The secondary is as strong as its been in my lifetime. Kennoy Kennedy is feared around the league for his punishing hits. Dre Bly is one of the better cover corners in the league after making two straight Pro Bowls. Fernando Bryant sucked last year but he was dealing with an injury that kept him from being 100% Harrington said in the Detroit News that normally he stays away from throwing Dre Bly's way in practive but Bryant has been playing so well that he doesn't think that way anymore.

The linebackers are potentially the fastest group in the NFL. Boss Bailey and Tedy Lehman are speedsters. If they can prove to be reliable tacklers, they'll be a strength all season. Shuan Rogers is the best defensive tackle in the NFL. He's huge and agile. Rogers and Big Daddy Wilkinson should shut down the running game. The problem with the defense is that it's green. Much like the offense, these guys haven't played together. I just have a hard time believing this unit can gel immediately. It'll take some time.

The 2005 Lions or just Owen Hart?

I know that Detroit is ready to erupt with any hint of respectability from the Lions. My advice is to be patient. Remember, before this season, the Tigers looked to be ready to make the "leap". They had a good group of starters, a deep bullpen, and a fearsome lineup. Here we are 80% through the season and all of those things are still true. The starting pitching was decent early on. The bullpen has been phenomenal. The lineup features no less than six .300+ hitters. Yet, the Tigers are inexplicably eight games below .500 and headed south. The Tigers are proof that it takes time. You can't just starting winning from nothing. Think of all the Detroit teams that have won championships. Every team has paid their dues. The "Bad Boys" had to work their way up before finally unseating the Celtics and Lakers. The Red Wings took a long, hard road to the Stanley Cup before finally winning in 1997. Even the current version of the Pistons had to pay their dues. They improved a little each year before finally becoming a threat and eventually the NBA champs. Don't expect anything different from the Lions or Tigers. It takes time. I'm not a fan of the "next year is the year" slogan that has seemed to epitomize the Lions, but in this case, I truly believe that's the case.

The schedule features a lot of games against teams that have about the same talent-level as the Lions. These games include; Green Bay (2), Tampa Bay, Carolina, Minnesota (2), Dallas, Atlanta, and New Orleans. That's nine games. The Lions would do well to go 5-4 against those teams. They also play Baltimore and Pittsburgh which could easily be losses. That's six losses. Plus, the Lions will probably lose at least once to one of the five weaker teams on the schedule. The Lions will be bunched in with five or six teams with 8-8 or 9-7 records. I think an 8-8 team will make the playoffs in the NFC this year. It could be the Lions but it'll probably be someone like Dallas, Green Bay or Atlanta.

Predicted record: 8-8